Dogs of the Military
by jaderaid
Summary: .:DISCONTINUED:.
1. The Insaneness Begins!

**A/N: this is my first Fullmetal Alchemist fic... hell, my first uploaded non-sci-fi fic. So please be nice, and review? Flamers will have the notorious bounty hunter Boba Fett hired to go after them, but constructive criticism is appreciated. I just got this random inspiration in one of my classes, and wrote it down.**

**Another thing... if anything doesn't make sense; it's probably inspired by 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'. Or sugar... or the boredom inspired by a LOOONG history test on the Great Depression... or the fact that I am in fact insane... erm... misunderstood... yeah, I'll shut up now. :)**

**Enjoy! -JR**

**Dogs of the Military**

**by Jade Rhade**

Colonel Roy Mustang, the renowned Flame Alchemist, sat in his comfy chair behind his desk and used his foot to lazily spin himself in circles.

Boredom. Complete and utter boredom.

Paperwork sucks. Mustang spun himself faster. All he _really_ wanted to do was set the whole desk on fire, and see everyone come running... watch the glorious plumes of fires rise up and consume the damned paperwork... the damned desk... hell, the whole damn _office_!

"Colonel?" Riza Hawkeye entered his office. "Sir, you have a-"

"I'm _bored_, Hawkeye," he complained, spinning his chair faster.

"Ummm, yes sir," Hawkeye agreed, rolling her eyes. "You have a-"

CRASH! Mustang's chair tipped over, unceremoniously dumping the Colonel on the floor.

Hawkeye blinked. "Should I just come back later, sir?"

Maybe it was the hit on the head and the loss of a few hundred brain cells, but Mustang began to think. He was forming a plan... an exceptionally devious plan... or maybe it was that he finally went insane. "Hawkeye...?" he asked slowly.

"Yes, Colonel?"

"Are the Elric brothers in the building?"

"I think so, sir."

"YES! I mean... good." Mustang went to stand but again hit his head, this time against the bottom of the desk. "Ow! Shit!" Military psychologists would later pinpoint this as the exact moment when Roy Mustang lost what few brain cells he had left after the _first_ knock on the head and abandoned the last shreds of his sanity on the side of an old dirt road. They were then picked up by an old lady, who thought they might taste good. The ensuing eating of the sanity left Mustang with no hope of ever getting it back. Poor Colonel Mustang.

"Sir?" Hawkeye waved her hand in front of the blankly staring Colonel, who had just seen his sanity eaten by an old woman.

Mustang leaped across the desk and swept Hawkeye into a passionate kiss.

Riza's eyes widened, and she took a step back. "Colonel!"

"Roy," Mustang whispered in her ear, then took off at a sprint down the hall.

Hawkeye was left standing in Mustang's office, with one thought running through her mind; _What the fuck?_ "And men say _we're_ confusing," she muttered under her breath, shaking her head.

-xXx-

The Elric brothers were minding their own business, walking down a random hall, being bored out of their minds.

They had no idea the calamity that was about to befall them.

"Fullmetal!" they heard Mustang yell.

The two turned. "Hey, Mustang," Ed replied nonchalantly, showing his complete disregard for authority.

Mustang didn't bother to correct the younger Alchemist to address him by his rank. "Elric, I need you to do something for me."

"What _now?_"

"Sugar!"

The Elric brothers froze. "What?" Al asked timidly.

"I-want-sugar," Mustang said slowly, as if he were speaking to a small child.

"Umm..." Al looked as confused as it was possible for a suit of armor to look. "Why?"

"I have a plan... And if it doesn't work I can blame it on _you_, Elric." Mustang was practically bouncing in malicious glee.

"Okay, we'll do it," Ed said, slowly backing away.

Mustang laughed evilly and dashed away down the hall, and it was then that the Elric brothers noticed that he was only wearing his socks. "WHEEE!" he cried, skidding around a corner.

"Brother?"

"I know, Al. I'm kinda afraid too."

"Should we get him what he asked for?"

"Yes!" Ed grinned. "As long as he's on this... whatever it is he's on... he can't order _me_ around!"

"It's all about you, isn't it, Brother?"

"Me and my sanity, Al. If Mustang drives me insane, who's going to find the Stone and get your old body back?"

Al nodded. "Okay, Brother, but you're already insane." He started running. "And short!" he shouted over his shoulder.

Ed's eyes narrowed and he sprang after. "WHO'RE YOU CALLING SHORT YOU GIANT HUNK OF TIN!"

Alphonse giggled. Maybe this whole 'State Alchemist' gig wasn't so bad. He could run for hours around the whole building, while Edward would quickly tire. Heehee.

"FULLMETAL!" he suddenly heard a female voice shout, and Al screeched (literally) to a halt.

"Uh-oh."

"WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GONNA SAY, HUH?" Edward jumped up and grabbed the ribbon dangling from the top of Alphonse's helmet and tried to rip it off. The whole head came off instead.

"Brother!"

"HA! LOOK AT YOUR HEAD!" Ed used the ribbon to whip the helmet around. "ARE YOU GETTING DIZZY, YOU OVERGROWN METAL PIECE OF-"

A gunshot rang through the air, and Ed froze. Unfortunately, the helmet did not. Its momentum spun him around and he fell straight on his ass. The helmet flew into the air and landed snuggly over Edward's head.

Al started to laugh. He couldn't help it.

"With respect, would you two SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!" In the sudden silence, they heard the ominous sound of a pistol being cocked.

The Elric brothers froze for the second time to see a severely irritated Hawkeye. Her pistol was smoking, and she had it ready for another shot.

Al burst out laughing again. Seeing your head on your brother's body tends to do that to a person and override all better judgement. Better judgement being that when a woman with a gun threatened one to be silent, it was best to do as she said.

Hawkeye was rapidly moving from simply irritated to extremely pissed off. The calm coolness was a thing of the past, today. She always got touchy when her Colonel started to do strange things that defied explanation. "ALPHONSE ELRIC, TAKE YOUR HEAD OFF YOUR BROTHER!"

Al jumped. "I'm sorry, Lieutenant." He meekly removed the helmet and set it back where it belonged.

Ed's eyes were huge. "You shot at us!"

"Brilliant deduction, Fullmetal," Hawkeye answered sarcastically.

Ed decided to take it at face value. "I try."

"What's wrong with Colonel Mustang?" Riza asked, slightly hoarse from all the yelling.

Ed shrugged. "Damned if I know."

"What did he want?"

"Sugar," Al responded as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

"What?"

"You heard us," Edward said. "Mustang wants sugar."

"WHEEE!"

They turned to see Mustang flying toward them in his big, comfy, _wheeled_ chair. "What the-" Ed started as the chair whizzed by them.

"Umm sir, those are-"

CRASH!

"Stairs," Alphonse finished lamely. They rushed over to see what had happened.

"Oh my God..." Riza breathed. The chair was broken, the wheels still spinning. There was no sound or movement coming from the limp body of the Colonel. She dropped her pistol and ran down the stairs. "Sir? Sir! Dammit, Roy Mustang, talk to me!"

The two Elrics looked at each other, and the next sound was: "Urrggh! YOU ARE SO IMMATURE! SIR! I HATE YOU! SIR!" and Riza came stomping back up the stairs muttering to herself. She picked up her pistol and looked at the brothers as if daring them to say something.

Edward edged away to stand behind Al, and Al put his hands up in surrender. Hawkeye stomped away.

The two cautiously peeked around the corner of the stairwell to see Mustang lying with his hands behind his head, staring dreamily at the ceiling. "God, she's hot," he said.

"I HEARD THAT, COLONEL!" Hawkeye shouted.

"What'd you do to her?" Ed asked.

Mustang grinned his huge idiot's grin. "Nothing..."

Hawkeye returned... wielding an Uzi in each hand!

Roy yelped and scrambled up the stairs. He pulled off Al's helmet and stuffed himself inside Al's body. "If you tell her where I am, I can promise hours of paperwork for both of you!" he threatened before disappearing inside the armor.

"Elrics! Where is that-" several moments of profanity followed, "Colonel!"

"Uhhh, I don't know," Ed lied, the threat of endless paperwork hanging over his head. Being shot wasn't _nearly_ as painful as paperwork... and if all else failed, he could hide inside Al too.

Hawkeye looked at the suspiciously. "Alphonse, why are you vibrating?"

"Uhhh... kitty!" Al took off.

"Al!" Ed ran after.

"I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU TWO YET!"

"Stop _shaking_," Al told Mustang. "You're going to get us shot!"

Mustang popped Al's head off. "Is she still following?"

"No. Can I have my head back?"

Mustang jumped out of Al's body and dashed away.

"You're welcome!" Ed shouted sarcastically. "Prick."

Predictably, Hawkeye ran up soon after. "Where did he go?" she demanded icily.

Edward looked at the Uzis, then smiled evilly. "That way," he said, pointing the way the Colonel had gone.

"That was mean, Brother," Al said as Hawkeye sprinted down the hall.

Ed looked very pleased with himself. "Uh-huh."

They heard the guns clatter to the floor without a shot being fired. The older brother again found himself peeking cautiously around a corner into the lobby of Headquarters, and his eyes widened.

"What's going on? Let me see!" Al looked over Ed's shoulder. "Oh," he said, more subdued. "Brother, are they-"

"Yeah."

"_Here?_"

"Yep."

"Ewww..."

The Elrics retreated hastily.

-xXx-

Jean Havoc was on his way outside the building to have a smoke without offending everyone around him when he came across Mustang and Hawkeye. Contrary to what the Elrics had assumed, the two were _not_ having sex. (Alchemists... minds in the gutter, all of them.) They were making out in the lobby with a pair of Uzis at their feet. How the secretary at the welcoming desk had not noticed this was a mystery in and of itself.

Havoc looked at the pack of cigarettes, then at the door leading back into the main part of the building. He decided to make his way around and find a side door rather than disturb the two, who were definitely... busy. A wise choice, considering that it would have been a toss up between the Flame Alchemist and the weapons expert over who would have killed him first.

Too bad the young boy with the long black hair standing outside the door didn't make the same decision Havoc did.

Poor, poor Wrath.

**A/N: this is my first FMA fic, reviews would be appreciated. Thanks, y'all! I DO realize that Hawkeye is a tad OOC, but work with me here! I've seen _nine_ total episodes, and have read _one_, count it, _one_ manga. Cut me a break!**


	2. Wrath Enters!

**I forgot a disclaimer. I am so ashamed of myself.**

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, I could have all the DVDs for FREE! And there would be changes. It would not be called "Fullmetal Alchemist", it would be called "Flame Alchemist", with much of the story line focusing on Colonel Mustang, who, incidentally, I do not own. And I must add this in (I read it in someone else's disclaimer, and I sat there staring at it for hours, going "what does it MEAN?"_

"_FMA: Fun to play with, not to eat."_

**A/N: You may very well ask me, 'Why is Wrath here?' Well, Wrath is here because Ilove him. He's so evil, but so _cute_!**

**Wrath: _:glares:_ "I amnot cute! Evil, yes. Cute, NEVER!"**

**Jade: "You are if I say you are, now shut up!"**

**Wrath: _:sulks:_**

**Anyway, as I was saying before, I love Wrath, but have really no plot point for him as of now. He just kinda got dragged in here kicking and screaming.**

**Wrath: "Don't forget biting."**

**Ahem, yes, dragged in kicking, screaming, biting, clawing, etc. Happy? Anyway, if anyone has random ideas they would like to send me concerning my favorite Homunculus, or anyone else for that matter, review, e-mail, PM me. Please? I still have nothing for the Elrics to do, either.**

**Edward: _:pouts:_**

**Alphonse: "KITTY!" _:runs away:_**

**Yeah. I'll shut up now. Onto the story!**

Wrath. One of the Homunculi, he had sworn to kill Edward Elric.

This would be why he was standing outside the Military Headquarters, waiting for his opportunity.

The secretary sitting at the desk looked at the time, sighed, and got up. Wrath didn't care why, and as soon as she was out of sight, he dashed into the building. He considered elevators pure evil (a strange thought for a Homunculus, but ever since he'd had that one dream where Gluttony had eaten through the bottom of the elevator car...), so he ran for the stairs.

BIG mistake.

For as we all know, Mustang and Hawkeye were making out at the foot of the stairs.

But Wrath being Wrath, he was sprinting toward the stairs with no hope of stopping once he saw the two. He tried to swerve to go around but it was too late, and he bowled them both over. Oops.

It would have been comic if poor little Wrath wasn't in danger of being simultaneously shot and burned. He lay flat on his back and stared at his impending doom.

The normally calm and collected Lieutenant Hawkeye was, well, _not_. The only good thing, Wrath thought, was that with Riza's blouse unbuttoned by an irreverent Colonel, he could see straight down her-

A gloved fist slammed down between his eyes. "Off-limits, pal," Mustang said.

Wrath started to cry. "I just want my mommy back!"

"Shut up!" Mustang looked at Riza. "You know, if I were in a particularly evil mood, I would put Fullmetal in the same room as this... thing."

"Shouldn't we just kill it, sir?" Hawkeye had moved a few steps away and retrieved one of the Uzis. She pointed it at the Homunculus with one hand, the other re-buttoning her shirt.

Wrath was sobbing pathetically. "Edward Elric killed my mommy..."

"Self-defense. And in case you forget, she was wearing the face of _our_ mother." Edward was walking down the stairs. "Wrath. I thought I heard your distinctive whine."

Wrath's eyes blazed with anger. "I'll kill you, Elric!" he shouted hoarsely.

"Try it."

"Brother, le me try."

"He's all yours, Al." Ed gestured.

"Wrath, we know you want to kill us. You want Brother's body."

Wrath just glared, saying nothing.

"You know we are looking for the Philosopher's Stone to get our bodies back to normal. So are you." Then Al stopped stating the obvious and dropped the proverbial bombshell.

"We have basically the same goals. Why don't you work with us?"

A profound silence filled the lobby. Even Hawkeye had lowered the Uzi, mouth open.

Now, Wrath could have taken the opportunity to attack then and there, but very uncharacteristically began to think. _A partnership with the Elrics... this could prove useful. Once they have the Stone and recover their pathetic human bodies, I can kill them and take the Stone for myself! Then, I can take my revenge for being ridiculed by the rest of the Homunculi!_ "Alright, Elric. I'll work with you and your military _dogs_. Do we have a deal?"

"Sir!" Hawkeye was staring angrily at Alphonse as she addressed Ed. "A word? Colonel, _Alphonse_, you too."

"But what about him?" Mustang asked, looking at Wrath.

Wrath did his best impression of an innocent smile. It still came out malevolent.

Hawkeye hefted the Uzi. "You move, you _die_. Got it?"

"Completely." Wrath shrunk away from the powerful woman.

The four moved over against a wall, trusting in Hawkeye's threat to keep Wrath immobile. The Homunculus didn't even dare to sit up for fear of having his head blown off.

"With respect, Alphonse, _what were you thinking?_" Hawkeye demanded.

Al sounded proud of himself. "Well, now we have a Homunculus on our side. That'll be good in our fight against the other. And if he's with us, he can't hurt anybody else." He suddenly sounded crestfallen. "I was just trying to help," he added softly. "Did I do something wrong?"

"It would be nice if you would consult with us _first_ before making executive decisions like this," Mustang said sternly.

Al looked down. "I'm sorry."

"But I think it was a good decision. We can have this Homunculus where the Military can keep an eye on him."

"Good job, Al." Ed gave his brother a playful swat on the arm.

"You can get up now, Wrath," Hawkeye said.

Wrath stood up as fast as he could. The normally obstinate Homunculus seemed rather good at following orders Riza gave him.

"Shall I escort him to Holding, sir?"

"Yes, Riza."

"_Hawkeye_, sir."

Now it was Mustang's turn to sound crestfallen. "No first names?"

"Not in public, Colonel." Riza was blushing prettily.

"Shall we go somewhere private later then, Lieutenant? Say... dinner?"

Hawkeye blushed fiercer. "I'll think about it, sir." She grabbed Wrath by the arm and led him away.

"Where are you taking me?" Wrath asked.

"Holding," she answered roughly. "It's somewhere where you won't get in any trouble."

"Don't you trust me?" Wrath tried to look hurt.

Hawkeye snorted and jerked his arm. "Don't try it with me, Wrath. You may look like a child, but you're nowhere near innocent. Mess with me, and I'll show you why my own co-workers fear me when I'm angry."

Wrath shut up. It seemed like the smart thing to do.

-xXx- _Later_ –xXx-

It was almost the end of the day before the Elrics had retrieved enough sugar. Almost everyone had cleared out of the building.

"What're you going to do with it all, sir?" Al asked as he dropped the huge container on Mustang's desk.

The Colonel smirked. "If I told you, I would have to kill you."

"Can we go now?" Ed whined.

Mustang thought about it. "Well, I have nothing else for you to do, so I suppose you can go."

"Yipee!" Edward dashed out of the office as fast as his little legs could carry him.

Alphonse inclined his head to Mustang, then ran after Ed. "Brother, wait for me!"

Roy looked at the sugar and laughed evilly. Since he had lost his sanity, no one was going to be safe... but that was a task for tomorrow. Right now, he had a certain lieutenant to call.

"Oh, _shit_."

In all the chaos that had followed Wrath's defection to the Military, he had forgotten to ask her for her number.

"Sonofabitch!" Mustang grabbed the phone book and leafed through it. "H... H... H... Hawkeye!" His shoulders slumped at the length of the list of names.

Roy sighed, grabbed the phone, and started at the top.

"Hello? May I speak with Riza Hawkeye?"

"What? Speak up!" a woman shouted.

"_Riza Hawkeye!_"

"No reason to shout! You have the wrong number."

Mustang put down the phone, sighed again, and dialed the next number, crossing off the first with a black marker as he waited for someone to pick up the phone.

"Hello? May I-"

"GEORGIO, MY BOY!" A male voice declared.

"Umm, no-"

"HOW HAVE YOU BEEN GEORGIO? YOU NEVER CALL YOUR UNCLE ANYMORE SINCE I WAS ADMITTED TO THE HOME-"

_Click_. Another one crossed out of the book.

-xXx- _Much later_ –xXx-

Riza put the bag of dog food away. "There you go, Black Hayate. If you spill it all over the floor again, I'm locking you outside."

Black Hayate barked, wagged his tail, and started to eat.

"Good boy. Keep it in the dish, how hard can it be?" The phone rang, and she leaned over the counter to pick it up. "Hello?"

"Is Riza Hawkeye there? _Lieutenant_ Riza Hawkeye?" The Colonel sounded tired and frustrated.

"Yes, Roy, this is she."

"Riza? Riza! _Riza!_" Strange thumping sounds could be heard over the phone, and Hawkeye hoped he wasn't jumping up and down. That would be very undignified, if rather amusing to watch. "Thank GOD it's you! Do you have any idea how many Hawkeyes are in the phone book?" Mustang demanded. "I must have talked to every nut in Central!"

Hawkeye laughed. "I left my number on top of your paperwork. But I guess you didn't even look there, did you?"

_(If this were anime, I could play the music that gets played when the characters do something stupid. Unfortunately, this is fanfiction, so you just have to use your imaginations.)_

Mustang groaned. Sure enough, on the paperwork he had organized into the pile he had labeled _'Aren't due for another week... feel free to ignore these'_ there was a small slip of paper with a phone number on it.

Hawkeye could hear muffled banging over the phone. "Sir, please don't hit your head off the desk. The thickness of your skull could break it."

The banging ceased, and Riza shook her head. What would the Colonel do without her?

**A/N: Whoo, here's the end of yet another chapter. Sorry this one is not as funny, but 'twas necessary to include. The next chapter includes something that involves lots of sugar, and I must decide whom to give the part to: Havoc, or Wrath? I personally think it would be funnier with Wrath, but...**

**Havoc: "Pick me! Pick me! I haven't been in this story yet!"**

**Jade: "Yes you have."**

**Havoc: "Shut up! It was only like three paragraphs long!"**

**Wrath: "IF YOU READERS PICK ME, I WILL RIP YOUR ARM AND LEG OF! LOOK WHAT I DID TO THE ELRICS!"**

**Jade: "WRATH! I'm WARNING you, if you scare off my reviewers, I'll SLAP YOU WITH A FISH!"**

**Wrath: "What?"**

**Jade: "Did Sloth give you _no_ classical education at _all_? Monty Python's Flying Circus? The Fish-Slapping Dance? Ring any bells?" _:sigh:_ "_No_ classical education, you Homunculi should be ashamed."**

**So, Wrath or Havoc? _:cheesy commercial voice: _YOU decide!**

**Also, thanks for all the reviews for the last chapter! NOW DO IT AGAIN :)**


	3. The Cookie of DOOM

**A/N: this time, you may very well ask me "where is the date!" Well, I _really_ didn't feel like writing a mushy scene, seeing as how my boyfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago, plus, it would end up boring. I didn't want to ruin it to make it funny, either, so I just skipped it. We'll just assume that Roy and Riza had a good dinner. Okay? It makes my life easier.**

**Sorry for the long update time, I've been stuck with this chapter for a while. Due to popular vote, Wrath will be... well, read to find out!**

**Wrath: "I can't BELIEVE you made me do this!"**

**Havoc: _:pouts:_**

**Jade: "What, you still have a part! Would you _rather_ Wrath's part?"**

**Havoc: _:thinks:_ "Well... no. Not really, no."**

Another** A/N: I realize that Military is usually not capitalized, but I think it looks better that way. And I don't really care if Wrath is out of character, because I have seen TWO episodes with him- the finale and the one right before the finale. Also, I don't know if Fuery's first name is spelled with a 'C' or a 'K', but I'm going to go with the 'K' because 'K's are cool. :)**

**_Disclaimer:_ **_I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, or Red Bull, or Cookie Crisp. I do own a sugar cookie, though! Wait, where'd it go? WRATH!_

**Anyway, enjoy! -JR**

The next day, Mustang came in late. While this was not surprising in and of itself, the fact that Hawkeye came in late with him, was.

Havoc smirked at the Lieutenant. "So, did you and the Colonel have a nice night?"

Riza gave him a look of innocent confusion. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Lieutenant Havoc."

"Of course not. _Damn no-fraternization rule_," he added under his breath. "So, did you spend the night alone?"

Now, usually a question like that would result in many bullets being fired around the office. However, Hawkeye was in a good mood. "No," she answered.

Havoc's mouth dropped a little at the blunt statement, and his cigarette fell out.

"Black Hayate was with me." The smirk on Riza's face was so... evil.

"But I saw you two! By the stairs-"

"We went out to eat, Havoc." Riza grabbed the collar of his uniform so he would look straight into her eyes. "_Nothing else._ Got it?"

Havoc squeaked, and Riza took that as agreement. "Good boy. Let's go; the Colonel wants to interview the kid."

"What kid?" Havoc asked, rubbing his neck and magically producing another cigarette. "Fullmetal?"

Hawkeye sighed. "Wrath, you idiot."

"Oh. I knew that." Havoc grinned sheepishly.

Riza rolled her eyes. "Sure you did."

Roy walked out from his office to see the two bickering. He was having a _very_ good day. Not only had he and Riza had a very nice dinner, he had decided to keep trying to make the Lieutenant open up. Who knows, maybe she'll get a less-evil sense of humor... or a miniskirt.

"Sir, your nose is bleeding again," Hawkeye pointed out tactfully.

Roy tipped his head back. "My nose is doing no such thing," he said as he pinched it.

"Chief, were you thinking about miniskirts again?" Havoc asked.

"No... Ow! Hawkeye!" Roy rubbed the back of his head where she had hit him and glared. "That hurt!"

Havoc laughed at the glaring Colonel. "Just you wait, Havoc," Roy threatened. "You'll get what's coming to you."

The Lieutenant blinked and shut his mouth. He always got kind of scared when Mustang's midnight-black eyes looked like they were going to spit fire faster than a simple snap of his fingers.

-xXx-

Mustang stood in Wrath's cell, while Hawkeye and Havoc stood guard outside- still bickering.

The young Homunculus sat in a corner, hugging his knees to his chest and shivering. His long black hair hung over half his face, and one purple eye stared out at Mustang.

"Wrath, you realize that the Military simply can't trust you yet."

"No shit."

Roy sighed, then smiled. And even Wrath, evil as he was, was slightly frightened by that smile. "But I like you, Wrath, so I have something for you."

"What is it?" The Homunculus asked suspiciously.

Roy pulled something out of his pocket. It was pink, and covered in plastic wrap.

A cookie. Harmless looking, one would suppose. But this was the cookie Mustang had specially made himself, with the sugar the Elrics had provided. It could accurately be described as a Weapon of Mass Destruction.

Wrath looked at the cookie. All better judgement told him not to take it, but it looked so _good_...

Roy tossed the cookie to the Homunculus, who snatched it out of midair and clutched it possessively. He looked at it, then finally got the courage to unwrap it and smell it. He took a cautious bite. Wrath chewed thoughtfully, swallowed, and ate the rest of the cookie in one gulp.

Mustang saw Wrath's face take on a blissful, serene expression. He beat a hasty retreat knowing what was coming. He burst out the door from the cell. "Take cover!" he yelled to Hawkeye and Havoc.

Riza gave him a startled glance. "Sir-!"

"Kowa-BUNGA!" Wrath shouted, crashing straight through the wall of his cell and spinning around in circles. "Cookie! Cookiecookiecookie COOKIE! COOOOKIE CRISP!" He took off down the hall.

The three officers of the Military stood with their mouths open. Even Roy, who had some idea of what to expect from the sugar cookie, was stunned.

-xXx-

Wrath was on a mission. He didn't exactly know what the mission was, but he made sure he'd be the first to know. He saw another Military officer walking down the same hall. "You there!" he shouted.

Kain Fuery stopped, and his eyes widened. "Uh-oh."

Wrath suddenly had an idea. A _wonderful_ idea. He would create an army with the aid of the wonderful sugar cookies! They would spread the name of the Sugar Cookie throughout Amestris! "Wait here!" he ordered Fuery.

"O-okay." Fuery stood there, confused.

Wrath dashed back the way he had come. "COOKIE!" he yelled at Mustang. "ME WANT COOKIE!"

Roy shrank back from the extremely hyper Wrath. He dug deep into his pocket and pulled out about a dozen more cookies, which he threw to the Homunculus.

Hawkeye glared at her Colonel. "YOU started this!"

Roy hid behind Havoc, who turned around to hide behind Roy, who went to stand behind Havoc, until they hit the wall. Roy pushed Havoc forward like a sacrificial offering. "Him, take him! I'm too young to die! My dreams of being Fuhrer will never be realized if you kill me!"

"STOP COWERING!"

Roy screamed in fear and ran away.

Hawkeye looked at Havoc, who tried to make himself small. "How's he run so fast?"

"Red Bull. It gives you wings," he whispered.

Riza scratched her head. "What's Red Bull?"

Havoc opened his mouth, then stopped. "You know, I really don't know. Let's pretend that moment in time never happened, okay? La-la-la."

They looked up. Over the intercom system it sounded like someone was announcing a horserace. "And now, Wrath is running down the hall, he's running, he has overtaken Master Sergeant Fuery! He is giving Fuery the cookie! Fuery is looking at the cookie, and he is eating the cookie! Oh no! Fuery is now a part of Wrath's evil army of Sugarness!

"Wrath is giving Fuery more cookies, and is telling him something! Oh no! It seems that Wrath wants to take over the world to share the wonderfulness of the sugar cookie! Fuery and Wrath are splitting up, they're running, they're running- Fuery has overtaken Roy Mustang, who is currently screaming like a small child-"

"HEY! WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THEY COULD BE SQUISHED LIKE A BUG!" came a random shout. (As if the rest of this is not random!)

"He wasn't talking about _you_, Brother!"

"Roy Mustang is up against the wall! He must know what those cookies can do! They take over your mind, until- Oh no! Fuery is forcing the Colonel to eat the cookie! He has eaten the cookie! We're doomed! DOOMED, I SAY! Wait, what's this? A cookie, Wrath? For me? Oh, how nice, thank you!"

And so the random racehorse announcer joined Wrath's Army of the Sugar, leaving Riza and Havoc standing there, mouths open.

**A/N: I'm very proud of this chapter. I read it over and burst out laughing, so I hope I've managed to at least put a smile on your face! Once again, I don't own Red Bull or Cookie Crisp. Please don't sue!**


	4. Kitties, Sugar, and El Niño

**A/N: PLEASE DON'T EAT ME! I realize this hasn't been updated in quite a while, and I have no excuse. Well, no, actually I have several lined up because I am quite good at excuses. The one I'm giving to you is actually a valid one: I've been working on my serious FMA fic, _Undercover Alchemist_, which I am having so much fun with right now. I will use my Jedi Mind Powers to force you to go read it. Read. READ... YOU WILL READ...**

**Wrath: _:Slaps Jade with a fish:_ "LOOKIE! I LEARNED THE FISH-SLAPPING DANCE! AND YOU CAN'T HURT ME BECAUSE I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER IN THIS CHAPTER! HA-HAHAHAHAHA!"**

_Disclaimer: I don't own the Saturday Night Live skit 'El Niño'... I don't remember who does it, but that's where the inspiration for Wrath's speech comes from._

Now, you may very well ask how Wrath managed to get the entire Military HQ under his control in one day. Actually, he finished before lunchtime, so it technically took less than a day. Using the Infernal Sugar Cookie of Doom (as Jean Havoc had christened it), nearly all of the Central Command staff were under Wrath's control... even though Wrath really had no control over himself, with his ADD-ness being further emphasized by his ingestion of the Infernal Cookie of Doom (or ICoD). Now, there were some brave souls who had escaped the ICoD; there were not many, but there were some.

They were:

_Riza Hawkeye the Deadly_

_Alphonse Elric the Invincible_

_Denny Bloch the Determined_

and

_Jean Havoc the Title-less_

And it was up to these two men, one boy, and one woman to reclaim the entire building back from the Grand High Army under the control of the one they called... _El Niño. _

-xXx-

Wrath's army met in the Mess Hall because it was the only indoor area big enough to house them all. Since Wrath was so small compared to the others, he stood on a table to make himself visible. He stood with his arms crossed, surveying his loyal followers. Master Sergeant Kain Fuery stood on his left, Second Lieutenant Maria Ross on his right, with Colonel Roy Mustang standing directly behind. Under an executive order from Wrath (but probably at the request of Roy Mustang), all the female members of Wrath's followers had to take off their Military jackets if they were wearing something underneath. Therefore, Maria was standing on the table next to Wrath in a skintight white tank top with her arms crossed, glaring at any man who was looking at her instead of their esteemed leader.

Wrath raised his arms for silence, and his soldiers quieted until the room was completely... well, silent. "I have a message!" he bellowed.

"All hail Wrath!" Maria shouted, and the multitude below echoed it.

"ALL HAIL WRATH!"

Wrath again raised his arms for silence. "After much serious thought, I proclaim myself... _El Niño!_"

"Oooooh," said the crowd.

"For those of you who don't _hablan Español_, _El Niño_ is Spanish for..."

As one, the crowd leaned in at the dramatic pause to hear him better.

Actually, the reason for the dramatic pause was because Wrath didn't _know_ what '_El Niño_' was in Spanish. He could not let his loyal followers down, however! "... THE NIÑO!"

"All hail _El Niño_!" Kain shouted.

"ALL HAIL THE NIÑO!"

"Okay, enough of that. Lunchtime!" Wrath jumped off the table as his troops cheered.

"ALL HAIL LUNCHTIME!" Roy shouted.

Silence.

-xXx-

Out in the hall, Riza put her head in her hands. "Smooth, sir," she whispered. She looked at the other members of her own mini army, seeing Havoc and Bloch engaged in what seemed to be a serious, animated discussion. Though she couldn't hear what they were saying, the way their voices were hushed made it obvious whatever they were discussing was of incredible importance. "Where's Alphonse?" she asked them.

"Dunno," Jean looked concerned.

"I'll go find him." Riza stood. "You two stay here, and keep out of sight."

The two lower officers saluted, and as soon as Riza Hawkeye walked away they continued their conversation... which was about Maria Ross.

"I never realized how hot she was! I mean did you see her on that table in that shirt?"

"Denny, you've never noticed her before?"

"Well... no."

And you've been working alongside her for _how_ long?"

"Uhhh..."

"Well, ask her out already!"

"But she's been taken over by the Infernal Cookie of Doom," Denny whispered as if those four words could conjure up Wrath and his ICoDs.

"Perfect!" Jean hissed, eyes glowing. "You can be the one to save her, and she'll be eternally in your _debt_!"

"Let's go now!"

"No, you idiot!" he grabbed the sergeant by the arm to keep him from charging headlong into the cafeteria. "You must _wait_ for the opportune moment."

"Well, when's that?"

"When she's alone."

"Ohhh." The two men grinned at each other.

-xXx-

"Alphonse!" Riza hissed. Her pistol was out, a rather extreme measure, but she had no desire to be captured by any sugar-crazed Wrath-follower. "Alphonse Elric, where are you!" She looked around warily; eyes open for any other Military officer.

"I'm right here!" came the boy's voice from a closet. "Look what I found!" If he could have, there would have been a giant grin across his face as he poked his head out.

"What did you find, Alphonse?"

"Kitties!"

"You found kittens in a closet?"

"I think Master Sergeant Fuery was taking care of them, look!" Al opened his chest plate to reveal four kittens clinging inside, mewing; a white one, a black one, a calico, and one that was black and white. "Here!" He picked up the black one and dropped it in her arms.

"Alphonse!" She frantically moved the kitten to one arm and holstered her pistol, because it would be just her luck if the thing went off and brought down the entirety of Wrath's Grand High Army. In spite of herself, she found that the kitten was cute, and her eyes melted in a very un-Hawkeye-like way. "Kitty," she whispered, stroking it softly and hearing it purr. It rubbed its head up against the side of her face. "Oh, you're friendly, aren't you?" she said, cuddling it. "My _Braha_ would eat you, wouldn't he, yes he would."

"Umm, Lieutenant, maybe I should take her back..." Al held out his hand nervously.

Riza clutched it to her chest possessively. "Mine!"

"You're acting rather strange, Lieutenant..."

"You're not taking her from me! Mine!"

"But-"

"Hayate needs a friend," she said defensively.

"But you said he would _eat_ her!"

"I lied." Riza put her hand on the butt of her pistol. "My kitty," she growled, glaring at the poor suit of armor.

"Uh, okay, you can keep her!" Alphonse waved his hands. "Brother wouldn't let me keep her, anyway." His shoulders slumped.

"Well, let us go find young Elric and teach him the meaning of cuteness!" Riza announced in a deep, booming, Alex Louis Armstrong voice, and just like that she ripped off her Military jacket, revealing her brown tee shirt, and posed.

Al sweatdropped. "Uh, no, I think Ed's okay, really!"

"We must collect Havoc and Bloch," Riza said, returning to her normal voice. "Bring the kittens and the box."

"Yes ma'am!" Al took the kittens out of his armor and put them in the box he'd found them and picked it up.

They were an imposing pair: Alphonse Elric, the giant suit of armor carrying a box of kittens, and Riza Hawkeye, with a pistol in one hand and cradling a kitten in the other. In the spirit of the moment, someone turned the fans on high, blowing Riza's hair back dramatically, with Alphonse's ribbon snapping in the wind.

**A/N: Random, not funny, BUT HEY! IT'S AN UPDATE! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please don't eat me!**

**Gluttony: "Can I eat her?"**

**Lust: "No, she'll cause indigestion."**

**Wrath: _:pouts:_ "Why are the other Homunculi here? I DON'T WANT THEM HERE!" _:throws tantrum:_ **

**Please review nicely?**

_**Jade Rhade**_


End file.
